Of Haunted Houses, Scones and Plotting Murder
by TTIOT
Summary: Yuffie and Reno go looking for a haunted house outside of Kalm. Written for the LJ Trick or Treat Kiss Battle. The prompt: FFVII: Reno, Yuffie, haunted house


_Of Haunted Houses, Scones and Plotting Murder_

**Title:** Of Haunted Houses, Scones and Plotting Murder  
**Fandom:** Final Fantasy VII  
**Rating:** T  
**Characters/Pairings:** Reno, Yuffie  
**Summery:**Yuffie and Reno go looking for a haunted house outside of Kalm.  
**Notes:** For LJ's Trick or Treat Kiss Battle 2009. The prompt: **FFVII: Reno, Yuffie, haunted house  
Also this is my first fanfic. So if it sucks I am very, _very_ sorry. If you see any mistakes, please let me know.**

**_Disclaimer: I own Nothing. Final Fantasy VII and anything else recognizable belongs to their respective owners (Square-Enix, etc.)._**

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"So, why are we out here again, yo?" Reno asked, looking around at his surroundings. Yuffie groaned "I've told you a hundred times!" accentuating each word with a head nod, "Weren't 'ya listening at all, Turkey? It's not THAT hard to pay attention when someone talks!" the head nods had evolved into wild gesticulating now, "How did 'ya ever manage to become Turk anyway? Your attention span really disturbs me. In fact, I'm surprised they EVER hired 'ya and didn't just kick your sorry butt out of the office!"

At that point Yuffie stopped to laugh at that mental image, and Reno had had enough.

"My attention span disturbs you?! 'Ya never even answered my question in that tirade of yours!" "Huh?" Reno crossed his arms, "My question. You never answered it." "Oh … Oh, yeah, there's this cabin around here that's haunted and I wanted to check it out! And I already told 'ya that! Like I said, Turkey: your attention span really sucks."

Reno groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. He remembered being slightly tipsy (not drunk. No, Turks don't get "drunk") at the party when the ninja approached him. He thought she said something about going for a walk in the dark woods. He had to think for moment why he even agreed; And then remembered in his half-inebriated state he thought (hoped) a walk in the woods would inevitably end up in a half-naked groping snogfest. He could've beat himself up. He really should start listening when Rude (or Elena, or Tifa, or anyone) tells him he doesn't need another drink.

"Fine. Alright. I get it. Just drop it already, yo? How far is this haunted house? We've been walking for the past … hour and I haven't seen evidence of a house. Haunted or otherwise."  
"I'm not really sure. We're not that far out of town yet, annnnd I think the cabin is a bit further in woods. Up the mountain a bit more." "UP THE MOUNTAIN?! Are 'ya crazy?! 'Ya haul me out mountain climbing at night?!" Yuffie sighed so it blew her bangs upwards "Will 'ya stop screaming and being overdramatic, 'ya stupid Turkey?" Reno let out a strangled scream "Why me?! Why couldn't you have hauled one of your little friends out here?!" "Well, I did ask Tifa but she just laughed at me. And Vincent? Ha! Like I didn't try! Stupid brooding vampire …" "Why didn't 'ya ask … Cloud?!" "I did ask boring butt Cloud, but he was all "I have to help Tifa clean up after this party" bleah …" "But why did I ever even cross your tiny little pea brain?!" Yuffie gave him a look like she was going to argue over being called a "pea brain", but just rolled her eyes instead. "Cloud suggested 'ya. Like I would EVER think of your sorry stupid Turkey butt! YOU were a last resort" With that, Yuffie stuck out her tongue and started walking again.

Reno decided he would kill Cloud when he got back. "Are 'ya coming, Turkey? I might leave 'ya here if 'ya keep being a drag!" Reno followed her. Fighting was proving useless with the terror that Yuffie. He decided to just look for the bleeding haunted house. If they found it they could get back to Kalm, and he could take something for this raging headache he was getting. And go to bed. Killing Cloud could wait 'til morning he decided.

The Turk was so lost in thought about how to best kill Cloud that he didn't notice when Yuffie stopped and ran into her. "oof! Why'd 'ya stop like that?"

"I'm trying to figure out where we are"  
Reno blinked "You mean we're lost?"  
"No! I'm a Ninja! And Ninjas NEVER get lost!"  
Reno snorted "Right. Yeah, I can see that, yo."  
"I'm just trying to get my bearings. Yeah, my bearings! 'Ya know? The feel of the land …"  
"No, you got us lost."  
"Hey! I did not! I just haven't been in these woods really. Now if this were around Mideel I would totally have found the Snipe cabin by now!"

Reno, who had been looking around him trying to figure out where they were (he surmised they were above the entrance to the Mithril Mines, but in the darkness he couldn't be for certain.), snapped his head back to the Ninja "The what cabin?" Yuffie sighed, "The Snipe cabin. That's the haunted house were looking for. See there was this miner who lived up here with his family and they were the Snipes, see? They had two kids - a boy and a girl - and one day the kids were out playing in the woods and the boy heard his sister scream. When he found her she was unconscious and bloody with some kind of glowing stuff on her. He hauled her back to the cabin and they checked her over but they couldn't tell where the blood came from. She looked fine, except for the glowing stuff that wouldn't come off, it just smeared. She didn't wake up for two days, and when she did, she stayed in bed and wouldn't eat."

Yuffie took a deep breath and continued "And then that night, there was a bad storm, her family got really worried and even though she wouldn't eat they made her come down and sit with them. They had just sat down to eat when her eyes glassed over and she slumped in her chair. Her mother was afraid she had died and went over to check on her … And her head snapped up! And she started floating four feet in the air, and then she started talking in this really raspy voice," Which Yuffie had to imitate, ""Why have you disturbed our sleep; awakened us from our ancient slumber? You will die! Like the others before you, one by one, we will take you!" At that, she lunged for her mother! But her father opened the cellar door and shoved her in and locked it! He then told his son to run to find help. When the son got back with some of the other miners, it was morning and there was no sign of his family. Anywhere. The only thing in the cabin was some kind of grime on the floor, it was like someone dumped creamed corn everywhere. And the cellar door was chained and locked. The boy insisted it not be opened. And it's said that to this day if you get close to the cabin you can hear whispers of "Join us." And if you actually get in the cabin, the cellar door shakes and you can hear thumps down there. Like something wants out."

The Ninja stayed silent for a moment, and then said, "Whoa! I gave myself goosebumps! I'm really good at scary stories!" Reno gaped at her "And after hearing that you wanted to go?! THAT'S what you dragged me out here for?! Just how mental are you?!" "Do I have to start calling you a chicken now, Turkey boy?" Reno choked on his own spit trying to say he wasn't a chicken. Yuffie ignored him and put her hands on hips and walked in a circle around him "'Ya know, I don't think we're near the cabin at all. I don't hear any voices croaking "Join us" let alone anything else." Yuffie stopped to scratch her head "And I don't think the road is around here …" She started tapping her foot, "Hey Turkey! Do 'ya know where the road is?"  
"Road?" Reno coughed a couple more times.  
"Yeah, Cloud told me he passes by the cabin all the time on his deliveries. So I imagine it would be visible-ish from the road."  
"You got us too far up the mountain. The road is down the mountain. Below the entrance to the Mithril Mines."  
"I know about THAT road. I meant the mountain road, duh. I thought a Turk would know all that stuff." She looked peeved.  
"Yes 'a Turk would know all that stuff' and I know there ain't a mountain road here, yo. You got us up too far, kid."  
Yuffie glared at him "No, Turk. I didn't get us up too far, Cloud definitely said it was above the mines … "  
Something clicked in Reno's mind. "Wait, Cloud told you about the haunted house?"  
"Uh, yeah."  
"Cloud told you about the Snipe house?"  
"Yes, geez. What, is the Snipe cabin some kind of super secret Shinra thing?" Yuffie huffed.

Of all things, Reno started laughing. The kind of laugh one does when they don't know what else to do. He then said "There is no Snipe house!" He started laughing again "Gaia! Snipe house! I can't believe you're that stupid! Wait! I can't believe I'm that stupid! Snipe house! I'm a Turk, what didn't I put it together! Geez!" Yuffie looked at him like he sprouted a second head. "What d'ya mean? Put what together? And what's so funny?!" She stomped her foot on the last part.  
"Cloud sent you - us - on a Snipe hunt!"  
"A w-what?" Yuffie stuttered.  
"Did he also give you a sack to catch ghosts in?!"  
"A sack? Are 'ya mad? Of course he didn't give me a sack!"  
"Listen: There is NO Snipe house! He sent 'ya on a Snipe hunt!" At Yuffie's confused look he went on "The Snipe house doesn't exist! That Spiky bastard tricked 'ya! And me in the process!"  
"Wait, 'ya mean there is no haunted house out here?"  
"NO!"  
"'Ya mean, Cloud actually plotted something?"  
Reno paused for moment, "Looks like it."  
"Huh, never knew he had it in him …"  
"Me either …"

The two were quiet for minute letting it fully sink in that - as Yuffie called him - boring butt Cloud actually plotted something. Something that if it wasn't them being pranked they would've been laughing. Finally Yuffie said "I'm gonna kill him though." "No, I was plotting his demise first. I get to kill him, yo." "How about we kill him together?" Reno thought for moment "Fine. Twerp." "Great! Between the two of us he'll be begging for mercy!" Yuffie cackled. "Let's get back to town, Turkey boy!"

And with that the two of them set of back down the mountain towards Kalm. All the while plotting the spiky haired bastard's imminent demise. With the sky slowly lightening they decided it would be better if they ate breakfast first.  
Scones first, murder second.

~finis

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Cookies (Gluten-free!) if you get what I *coughblatantlyrippedoffcough* referenced with the haunted house.

Comments are most welcome


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